Hi Singapore, here’s a story that got removed from TIFU, a tribute to all our NSFs with a personal story of mine.
In honor of the usual tifu tradition I shall tell my tale of a fuck up months after it had occurred.
I’m from Singapore, and as a rite of passage for a male citizen of this democratic society I have to go through the reluctant torture of serving my nation for 2 years as a low-waged soldier for the army. Anyways I shall spare you readers the usual Singaporean sob story of being forced into serving our nation for 2 years.
At the beginning of our training phase it is customary to go through BMT(Basic Military Training); the period where all the usual social stigma of abusive sergeants, enciks(old men who have gone slightly deranged from opting to stay in the army) and sirs come to surface in daily conversations. During this period is where my fuck-up came to haunt me for the rest of my life.
Day of the incident: 5 weeks into my BMT phase and blah blah blah here I am on the day where I would finally shoot live rounds on my SAR21 And we are required to be transported out of Pulau Tekong (a godforsaken island northbound of Singapore) to mainland Singapore to execute our training.
Ferry Terminal: The entire company is currently lined up and ready to board the ferry towards the mainland. It is at this point where my sergeant told us to head to the washroom to take a dump or a piss as the ride would long. I thought nothing of it, little did I know 🙁
5 minutes on the bus: I’m onboard the bus towards the firing site and my tummy starts grumbling.
10 minutes on the bus: Satan started brewing a concoction of pure evil to summon his child within my bowels. I turned to my buddy on my left and started to beg him to distract me from the terrors within me.
15 minutes on the bus: I started groveling to my sergeant to let me take a dump somewhere. He says, “HOLD IT IN, WE’LL BE THERE IN 10 MINUTES”
20 minutes on the bus: I’ve been begging him for 5 minutes. Sergeant calls the supervising officer for his advice.
22 minutes on the ride of my life: My request has officially been rejected.
25 minutes on the highway to hell: I’ve started to contemplate my options: A. Release Satan’s child into my helmet B. Relieve myself casually like a fuckin’ 3yo C. Release the Kraken into a ziploc bag which kept the contents of another platoon mate’s soldierly tools
30 minutes on the spiral to nirvana: I have voiced out my options to my sergeant and advised him that I’ll be taking option C.
30 minutes and 30secs into this fuckup: I’m squatting on the stairs of the backdoor of the bus, carefully aiming my explosive rounds into a tiny ziploc bag with my ass out.
32 minutes into this shameful bus ride: Bus driver decides that I’ve released too much toxins in the atmosphere of the bus and opens the backdoor.
note: we are on the expressway now
33 minutes: A van drove by, packed with passengers and their shocked faces from watching a bare-assed soldier in his uniform take a dump in a ziploc bag.
35 minutes of pure shame: After 2 minutes of screaming at the bus driver for what’s left of my dignity, the door closes. I ordered for something to wipe my ass with. 5 packs of tissue were thrown to me like how my pride and dignity were thrown away.
36 minutes of .__.: I’ve cleaned up and left my bag of shit at the back of the bus.
End of the day: I’ve been immortalized as a legend of the company. Nothing spilled from the ziploc bag. I clinched a 31/32 for my firing. Natural marksman 😀
TL;DR: Didn’t listen to my superiors advice, civilians witnessed a soldier having explosive diarrhea into a ziploc bag at the back of the bus on the expressway @70km/h.