I have a story to share.. something that i need to tell the world, it has been bothering me.. Every night before i sleep i have tears rolling down my cheeks. No im not going to hide this anymore. Its time i tell everyone, time for me to let out this anger that has been within me. I was confused all this while. Lost.. worried.. devastated. I thought this is it. My life is over.. This is going to be a long story, pardon me if my english is not so fantastic. For those who wants to read it go ahead.. for those who is just going to curse me.. i think it best if u dont waste your time..
I got married to the love of my life on 6th June 2015, that was the happiest day of my life.. somewhere in late June, i got to know i was pregnant.. Wow! I felt amazing! Im pregnant!! I never thought i would be a mother.. Me and my husband were so thankful. On july… things started to get a little bit out of hands.. i started bleeding, having cramps.. it was unbearable.. i couldnt walk or stand.. it was so painful. My mom n husband called the ambulance and i was brought to SGH ..It was on 28th July 2016 i got a miscarriage. I cried and cried. My husband my family console me.. i know this is not the end. I recovered fully and got back on my feet!
September 2016 came.. my period did not. I was worried because my period have not been coming, i need to have my period to get the eggs right.. i was lost i tod i could never get pregnant again. I went to the clinic. Told the doctor what happened, had a pregnancy test it negative. I wasnt pregnant i looked fine.. but i wasnt, i was actually hoping to be pregnant. Doctor gave me a medicine.. and told me to eat it and it will make my period come. Days passed… i just looked at the medicine.. i felt like something was not right i didnt ate the medicine. I took 3 pregnancy test.. its all negative. My period didnt come. What the hell is wrong with me! Within me i felt that i was pregnant.. i told my husband how i felt, he didnt want to give me hope. He say no you are not pregnant. I agreed. Months passed.. i decided to do a test again! Im not satisfied.. i had a positive! Im pregnant!! Im really pregnant!! Yey!!!! Omg!! Went to SGH.. baby is healthy, mommy is healthy. Baby growing perfectly fine! Everything was fabulous. Its a baby girl! Pretty little baby girl. Did a 3d scan, doc say baby has a beautiful structure and a thick hair, happily saying to myself .. i made that. Hehe.. Got my baby name.. Shereena Esha’al, beautiful name for a beautiful girl .. Shereena was a very happy baby.
EDD 15th June 2016. Days goes on.. Shereena still didnt want to come out! Baby why? Mummy wants to see you.. Had all her stuff ready. Everything so well prepared just to welcome my angel..
16th June 2016 i called my husband telling him i was in pain. My mother in law took leave to accompany me at home.. my husband rushed back home.. i went to bath. Thinking this is it. Today is the day. Shereena is coming to see the world.. Yey!!! Brought my hospital bag. Me n my husband made our way to SGH.. weeee…
In the labour ward, doctor checked.. saying im only 1cm dilated. Weally?.. only 1cm.. i was upset.. Doctor told me to go home first, i refused. I said im really in pain. I want to stay in the hospital. My guts is telling me im going to give birth.. He agreed and allowed me to stay, put me in the normal ward. I was resting on my bed because i didnt sleep the whole night.. i was so exhausted. Came a nurse who told me.. i cant just lie around i need to walk around to open my cervix so i can give birth. Mind you. I was a very active pregnant women who dont stop walking even after carrying my baby for 10month. As usual i listen to her. Because she is more experienced and she is a “Nurse” she should know better.. so i walked around SGH from 1130am, 16th June 2016 until 12plus 17th June 2016. Let me tell you this .. not a single doctor came to check how i was progressing. C’mon i walked the whole hospital how can my cervix not opened right.. i mean thats what the nurse told me…
17th June 2016 ard 12plus.. i think its time for bed.. husband had to wait outside the waiting area. I couldnt sleep.. i was in pain.. went in out of the ward. Went to the nurse counter.. told them im in pain.. they said ok go back to your bed. I went back. A nurse came. She said “rate your pain scale from 1-10” i said 8.. she say ok your pain scale is not so bad. U should go get some rest. I listen to her. I tried to sleep i couldnt. I was in so much pain.
17th June 2016 ard 3am, a nurse came asked if i want to check how many cm dilated, i agreed.. Cmon check me. I should be like 5cm dilated, since i walked around the hospital. Again its still 1cm.. Hey! What happened to your walk around theory. Seems like it didnt work. It made me more tired! .. duuhh!!
17th June 2016 ~ 6.30
Nurse came in to do a round check. She put the heartbeat belt around me.. my baby heartbeat is still there.. only….that It looks different from the day i walked in.. but at that point of time, i couldn’t see my baby’s heartbeat.. so i just wait patiently. I mean im in the hospital what could go wrong right..
The machine started to have a loud beeping sound it didnt stop the nurse was just a few steps away. Attending to other patients. The beeping sound continued. . It didn’t stop. The nurse ignored. I was thinking that it was nothing serious since the nurse didnt came to attend to me..
A few long minutes later.. she came. Adjusting the heartbeat belt. No heartbeat. She slowly tried to find a heartbeat.. no heartbeat.. i looked at her. I felt like pulling the doppler from her and finding my baby’s heartbeat.. but then again.. i put my trust in her. She’s the nurse. She knows better. I started to feel something not right. Suddenly so many people in my ward. My husband is still outside. Not knowing what happened. I dont know what they were doing. I was asking for explaination. Is my baby still there?? Wheres my baby’s heartbeat. Everyone just kept quiet.. looking at me. “Hey don’t look at me. I not the nurse or doctor. Im the patient. Tell me now. What happened!”.. i said in my heart.. they say they couldn’t find a heartbeat. They need to bring me to the labour ward to confirm. Oh .. now only bring me to labour ward. Come i clap for you! Very good!! .. They brought me to the labour ward. Confirmed no heartbeat found. They assumed, my baby passed away because of my baby cord wrapped around her neck. There was no urgency in the hospital. No one tried to do a immediate csec or maybe a thought to revive my baby. I felt that, my baby life was nothing to them. I was lifeless.. i was lost. I looked at my husband. We were so confused. Its this true. Am i dreaming. If i am. Enough. Its time to wake up. No this can’t be true! My baby is 40weeks 2 days. She is fully developed. She is healthy. She cant leave me! No.. its impossible. I think they made a mistake. I told them i felt something still in my tummy. They said its just my placenta. Im having contraction. What?? Are u kidding me?? Where’s the playful kicks?? .. where??? I killed my own child?? My child was suppose to be safe in my womb??.. im not a mother. I killed my own child?? Again?! This is the 2nd time! Im a effing failure! Such a failure. I lost it. I really lost it. I dont know how to react? What should i do now. How should i face the world. Everyone will think i kill my own child a mother who cant keep her own baby safe! I remembered i kept apologizing to my husband. I felt like a failure. A wife who cant give the husband a child.
I was then sent back to my ward, My baby passed away around 7am on 17th June 2016 . From 7am to 1130am not a single doctor came to me. My mom had to go out looking for a doctor to induce me so i can go in labour and deliver Shereena Esha’al, they still want me to go through natural labour and they say labour will kick in 2-3days. What the hell! Eh wake up your idea. I have a lifeless baby in my womb la,what are u all waiting for??? Deepavali isit??. Only around 1130am a junior doctor came to induce me.. a while later a Doc and a senior nurse came to explained the situation. My sister was questioning them so many questions none of it was answered properly with justification , there was 1 question which is still palying in my mind. My sister asked why was there a beeping sound for 10min but the nurse did not came to attend to me sister. They senior nurse then answered ” we also have other patients to attend to! Power la macha!! U confirm pass one!! ” at the point of time, i crushed even more.. my hard was so painful. Am i not as important as other patients, is my baby life not as important. All this questions have been playing in my mind. Im upset. I regret for choosing SGH for the place for me to give birth to my daughter.
17th June 2016 ~ 11:42pm
I was having interval 3mins contraction. Its time for me to give birth.. i was sent down to labour ward. Shereena is coming.. i pushed and pushed. I really had no energy. I didnt eat or drink. I just couldnt. Push.. and push..
18th June 2016 12.06am
I gave birth to a beautiful baby. Stillborn but still born. I didnt tear. Not a bit. The room was so quiet. No sound of baby cries. Nothing.. i hold my baby first time in my arms. So soft.. so beautiful.. so perfect.. she look just like me.. im strong. I always tell myself that. Just to make myself feel better. I kissed my baby. Played with cheeks, her pouty red lips. Her chin.. her eyes which is closed. She smells like heaven. In my heart i have broken into million pieces.. i stayed strong for my husband.. for my family. My baby died due to meconium aspirations. My baby have been in my womb too long. I was told that my amniotic fluid was already low. Which the hospital failed to detect. If they have done a proper check i believed this would have not happened. Their answered will alwaysbe, usually other women give birth naturally, normally its not like this.. so many excuses..
Not a single day goes by without tears rolling down my cheeks. My daughter would have been 4months now. Playing and lauging with me.. but no. Due to the poor management of SGH. I lost my child. They refused to accept that there’s a lapse on their end. They said, their staffs are competent… Define competent. Until today they have not reverted back to me..
I am not asking for sympathy. I have alot of people asking me what actually happened to me baby. Here i am, telling everyone what actually happened. I hope all this can be avoided. The doctors and nurses who was involve would go back home happily with their family laughing and having fun. When i am here traumatised every single day remembering what happened..
For those who are still worried about my wellbeing, dont worry. Im fine. Thanks for all the concern. Im back on my feet. Not going through depression. Im blessed with awesome husband and my beautiful family.. i just miss my little munchkin Shereena Esha’al. . Assalamualaikum..
Source: Sulastri Binte Abdul Salam
