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Tag: marriage

  • Reasons For Divorces Differ In And Out Of Court

    Reasons For Divorces Differ In And Out Of Court

    It appears that divorcees tell a different story in and out of court when asked why they broke up.

    One in four respondents cited adultery as the main reason for their divorce, going by a survey of about 130 divorcees presented last month by Dr Jessica Leong .

    This figure is similar to official data on Muslim divorces, but contradicts that of non-Muslim divorces.

    Figures from the Department of Statistics show that for non-Muslim divorces last year, only 1 per cent of the plaintiffs cited adultery as the main reason for divorce.

    Instead, over half said they split due to “unreasonable behaviour” during divorce proceedings. And 45 per cent split because the couple “lived apart or were separated for three years or more”, while 2 per cent cited “desertion” as the main reason.

    Dr Leong’s survey figures on the main reasons for divorce could be closer to the truth.

    Lawyers told The Straits Times that a person filing for divorce usually finds it too costly to prove that the partner had committed adultery. He must usually hire a private investigator, who will give a report of his surveillance findings, and the investigator may need to appear in court. The person with whom the adultery took place must also be named as a co-defendant, and some people do not know the name of the third party in the marriage.

    Lawyer Michelle Woodworth said: “The difficulty in obtaining the evidence and the costs in doing so are key considerations for clients making a decision against citing the fact of adultery. Often, a plaintiff may choose to proceed on the fact of behaviour instead.”

    Another lawyer, Mr Rajan Chettiar, said people may also not mention adultery because of their ego. “Men may feel that they ‘lose face’ if they tell the court that their wives had an affair with another man.”

    The 134 divorcees surveyed were asked to give “one specific personal example or event to illustrate the main indicator leading to the divorce”. Six of them did not answer.

    The question was an open-ended one, and responses were then classified into several categories such as relation problems, including “loss of love” and conflicts with in-laws (14 per cent), and communication problems (13 per cent).

    Respondents were also asked to select, from a list of 18 options, the factors that contributed to their marital instability.

    There were gender differences.

    Nearly half the men said nagging or complaining contributed to the broken marriage, while only 27 per cent of women said so. About 56 per cent of men said “loss of love” was a factor, while only 38 per cent of women said so.

    Mr Joel Chua, who attended Dr Leong’s presentation and has had over a year of experience as an intern counsellor, said: “Men are emotional creatures too, just that they may not be as expressive about it.”

    They could feel a loss of affection with their ex-spouse, and the lack of sexual intimacy may play a part.

    “Some men have mentioned, without being asked, that there was less sexual intimacy with their spouses when there was more tension in their marriages,” added Mr Chua.

    Counsellors said it was also important for couples to communicate well, in away that is mutually respectful. Dr Leong suggested more public education in pre-tertiary and tertiary schools, when people tend to start dating.

    “We can teach respect and trust in relationships, and they can bring these values to marriage later on,” she said. “They may even identify indicators of troubled marriage and… alert their parents to blind spots they may have in their marriages.”

     

    Source: www.straitstimes.com

  • My Husband Dumped Me For Another Man

    My Husband Dumped Me For Another Man

    A RUDE SHOCK
    It was our 20th wedding anniversary and I’d planned to surprise Nick with a big celebration. I wanted to invite his close friends to the bash but I didn’t have their phone numbers, so I secretly accessed Nick’s handphone contact list while he was in the shower. We usually respect each other’s privacy but that night, I was unusually curious.

    I flipped to his photo gallery and was taken aback to see many pictures of him and his business partner, Joe*. One showed my husband and Joe on the beach, posing topless with their arms wrapped around each other. They struck the same pose in the other picture, but this time, Joe – who is openly gay – was planting a kiss on Nick’s cheek.

    My mind whirled. On one hand, the pictures could mean nothing. Nick and Joe were best friends and as close as brothers – they did almost everything together. Joe was even godfather to my children. On the other hand, no straight man would take such intimate shots.

    I contemplated asking Nick about the pictures, but I didn’t want to start an argument. I put his phone back and got ready for bed. I decided not to overreact – I had an anniversary party to plan and nothing was going to ruin it, I told myself.

    SEEING IS BELIEVING
    The party was a huge success. Nick was pleasantly surprised and nearly teared up – he was touched that I had gone to all the trouble. Looking at him, I felt so loved. There’s no way this man would do anything to hurt me and our children, I thought.

    But the niggling feeling I’d had all week just wouldn’t go away. I found myself watching Nick and Joe’s every move – were they sitting too closely together? Why did they constantly whisper to each other? That hug they’d just exchanged – was it a friendly one or something more intimate?

    I suddenly wanted the party to end. I had developed a huge headache thinking of the what-ifs. When we finally got home, I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t erase the image of Nick and Joe from my mind. I got out of bed, quietly took Nick’s phone out of the bedroom, and searched for text messages between Joe and him.

    My heart sank at what I found: SMSes peppered with “I love yous”, “can’t wait to feel your body next to mine” and “you looked good last night, naked”. There was so much “dirty” talk, I was blushing.

    I wept in silence – my femininity had taken a beating. Nick and I had been married for two decades and we’d never once exchanged sexy texts. We did exchange “I miss yous” and “I love yous”, but had never engaged in phone sex. Nick was also not into public displays of affection. He was a fiercely private man but here he was, snapping intimate shots with and sending messages of love and lust, to his best friend.

    NOT GETTING MY SEXY BACK
    I sat there in my living room mulling over what I’d just chanced upon. I pondered what I could have done wrong that made Nick switch camps. Was it the sex, which had been almost non-existent of late? Maybe Nick was bored with our unadventurous romps.

    Come to think of it, our sex life was mostly functional – it was either to make babies or because I was craving it – although it made sense now why Nick had a fetish for certain sex positions, given his homosexual tendencies. Or maybe I’d grown unattractive to him – I’d put on weight, my tummy bore the scars of childbirth and my thighs were dimpled with cellulite.

    Nick, on the other hand, had kept himself in shape. I thought that maybe I needed to hit the gym more often and go on a diet so Nick would be attracted to me once again. But he’d always told me that I was gorgeous in his eyes and that he didn’t want me to change a thing about myself. He couldn’t have strayed because of my deteriorating looks, right?

    Maybe I needed to seduce my husband back into my arms. I went back to bed and tried to wake him up with my kisses and caresses. He smiled, hugged me tightly, murmured how tired he was and promptly went back to sleep. I tried to initiate sex over the next few days but when I finally succeeded, Nick seemed very far away – he was going through the motions but we weren’t connected emotionally at all. I decided then that it was time for us to have a serious chat.

    TRUTH HURTS
    My children were visiting their grandparents at the upcoming weekend, so I set up a “date night” with Nick. I cooked a nice dinner, and after dessert and some wine, asked him for the truth.

    I confronted him about the photos, the sexting and our lacklustre sex life. He seemed stunned at first, then heaved a big sigh – not of anger, but relief. I’d expected him to deny everything. In fact, I was desperately praying that he would prove me wrong – but he didn’t.

    Instead, he took my hand, stared deeply into my eyes and said: “I’m so, so sorry that you had to find out this way.” My heart fell and the tears I’d been holding back came gushing out. I just didn’t understand it – why had he married me if he was into men? How could he like men and yet sleep with me? Was I merely a decoy as he attempted to portray a normal life to his family and friends? Did he even love me or was that an act too?

    I spat out these questions as I struggled to understand how my seemingly perfect life had just come undone. Nick explained that he’d only realised he was attracted to men when he was in his 30s. He found himself checking out good-looking guys, although he dismissed the confusing feelings at first and tried to fight his urges. But he lost the battle about six months later when he visited a gay bar during an overseas work trip and was strongly attracted to someone he met there.

    They had a one-night stand and even continued a long-distance relationship. Nick had visited him several times after that, in the guise of going away for work. Although the affair fizzled out within three months, Nick had then realised that he was gay. We had been married for at least 10 years by that time.

    The only person who knew of his turmoil was Joe, who gave him a shoulder to cry on. They grew even closer and fell in love. It seemed that Joe had always carried a torch for Nick. But he’d never thought Nick would reciprocate… until then.

    They say hindsight is 20/20, and I realised that the signs were right under my nose all along: Nick and Joe’s regular sleepovers at each other’s homes, their constant getaways, their common love of buying each other expensive gifts, and how they liked to go off by themselves even when we were in a group.

    I felt so betrayed. My husband had been carrying on with his lover behind my back for five years and I was the last to know. I didn’t know which was worse – that he’d cheated on me or that his dalliance was with another man.

    TOUGH CALL
    I asked for a divorce. I told Nick that I couldn’t accept his philandering ways. My husband tried to change my mind, saying that he still loved me. He asked me to stay and let him take care of the family. Nick said if he wasn’t a responsible man, he would have abandoned us a long time ago. He begged me to think about our kids and how they would be affected by our break-up.

    I almost caved in when he said that, but I just couldn’t accept being cheated on. So I asked Nick to choose – I’d try and save our marriage if he ended things with Joe. But all he said was: “Please don’t put me in that position.”

    I knew then that I’d lost him, so I insisted that we file for a divorce. Nick grudgingly agreed. I also asked him to back me up when I broke the news to our kids – I told them that he and I weren’t getting along anymore due to a communication breakdown. I didn’t want my children to know the real truth as I wanted to protect whatever innocence they had left.

    My children were devastated as they were very close to their father. But we reassured them that he would still spend as much time as he could with them. I haven’t forgiven him – I don’t think I’ll ever be at peace with what happened. I find it very hard to trust men now. Maybe one day, I will get over this… one step at a time.”

    * Names have been changed.

     

    Source: www.herworldplus.com

  • Lelaki Muslim Harus Contohi Nabi Muhammad SAW Dalam Perkahwinan

    Lelaki Muslim Harus Contohi Nabi Muhammad SAW Dalam Perkahwinan

    My heartfelt condolence. Share bukan utk aibkan sesiapa tapi utk jadi iktibar dan pengajaran buat kita semua.

    Semoga para lelaki mendalami indahnya akhlak Rasulullah sebagai suami dan ketua keluarga sebelum berkahwin.

    My husband always remind me that ‘love is not just about feelings, its commitment’. How 2 person commits to give their best, whatever it takes.

    Looking at ths two, i guess im a bit demanding as well.. I pun nak Prada nak LV nak Ferragamo.. But my husband cakap, mengikut Islam, when he takes me, he takes up the responsibility to fulfill my wants and needs.. Tp i pun tak ada lah minta bukan2 frm my husband bcz i pun kerja so i can afford what i want with my own money.. Ni lah dipanggil EHSAN.

    Tahu tak tugas dalam rumah ialah tanggungjawab suami? Tahu tak dlm Islam ada bahagian nafkah utk wangian dan perhiasan isteri? I taktahu, Saif yg beritahu.. Tahu tak, kalau isteri dah biasa bersenang jadi tanggungjawab suami utk sediakan maid? Itu pun Saif beritahu.. Kenapa Saif tahu bcz he reads alot, he listens alot.. Dia bukan lelaki yg besar kepala dan bentuk marriage ikut kepala dia je dengan verdict, ikut hukum agama isteri kena patuh pada suami! Tak, Rasulullah tak berkeras dgn isteri, Baginda suami penyayang, kongsi selimut, bergurau senda, pergi pasar kemas rumah, what does that tell u? It means he was a loving man, responsible and tolerates in marriage.

    Tanggungjawab isteri dlm Islam ialah menjaga suami, menjaga harta suami sepanjang pemergian dan menjaga kehormatan diri.. Kerja rumah tu ehsan isteri, jaga anak tu ehsan, duit isteri dalam household ialah sedekah dari isteri. Tak percaya? Dalamilah ilmu agama berkaitan perkahwinan.. Jgn tahu nak kawin je lepas 6 minggu dah macam2 jadi..

    Kalau mutually dah agree to swap duties, itu persetujuan antara suami dan isteri. EHSAN. Ini rumah bersepah marah isteri pulak instead of buat jugak. Susu anak pun tak reti nak buat. Memang tanggungjawab lelaki besar. Sebab tu, kalau tak sanggup, fikir byk kali sebelum kawin.

    Indahnya perkahwinan bila suami jadikan akhlak Rasulullah sebagai his way of life and core of action.. Ni tak, kutip sunnah tang kawin 4.. Imamkan isteri solat pun entah ada ke tak.. Kerja rumah serah bulat2 kat isteri.. Duit sendiri perabih kat main bola, lepak dgn kawan, rokok. Duit isteri guna beli pampers duit dapur. Duit isteri bayar rumah bayar kereta. Itu semua tanggungjawab suami. Macam mana rezeki keluarga nak bertambah kalau isteri bagi duit dlm tak ikhlas dlm marah sbb suami tak berikan nafkah dia malah ambil pulak lagi dr dia bahagian yg sepatutnya tanggungjawab suami? Again, if the parties dah agree to swap responsibility, itu lain. Thats EHSAN.

    Susah kan jadi lelaki? Sebab itu lah digalakkan kahwin dari kalangan sekufu.

    Tapi zaman sekarang, entahlah.. Kita kata kita islam, tapi kita pilih2 panduan yang mana nak ikut.. Sedih kan.

    Kalau Rasulullah tengok agaknya Baginda sedih tak? Ini ke Umat yg dia rindu dan sebut berkali2 sebelum wafat tu.. Ini ke umat yg nak diberi syafaat tu..

    Ingatan buat sendiri dan semua, jom kita tepuk dada tanya iman.

     

    Source: Tun Fiqa Mohammad

  • Dear Heartbroken One

    Dear Heartbroken One

    Bismillahirahmanirrahim.

    Let’s just put it out there – I’m a hopeless romantic. When I was in kindergarten, an adorable boy told his mother that he wanted to marry me. From then on, I introduced him to everyone as my boyfriend. I love romantic movies so much that I’ve watched ‘A Walk to Remember’ more than 15 times. By the time I was 13, I had named all my 6 children. Pablo Neruda’s poems make me smile and cry. I used to joke with my best friends that I had my classy, white wedding with crystal chandeliers and chiavari chairs all planned out. All I needed was to plant a groom beside me. Then, we would live happily ever after.

    And so I searched for my other half, the person who would complete me, the one who would make me whole.

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    Instead of finding ‘the one’, I went from one failed relationship to another. I wanted so much to be part of a magical couple that I started to lose myself. I allowed people to treat me like a mere option when they were my priority. I moulded myself to be more like what others wanted me to be. When someone commented, “Alia, you would be so pretty if only you were skinnier”, I ate almost nothing and ran up my 13-storey flat 10 times a day. As I lost weight, I started being showed off like a trophy girlfriend. I was never really happy. In fact, I felt lost and incomplete.

    Then I realised that I had gotten it all wrong! Yes, marriage is wonderful and encouraged in Islam. However, when the same test (read: guys who were bad for me) keeps being given, it may be that I had not learnt the lesson I am supposed to learn. Allah is giving me a chance to make things right! In order to do that I needed to figure out how to improve myself for the sake of Allah. I had to ask myself some really tough questions. Did I want to get married for the sake of Allah or to gain acceptance and love from my partner? Had I prepared myself not only to bear children but to be the first madrasah to them? Was I knowledgeable enough to guide them to be khalifahs of Allah? Is marriage the only means to complete my faith?

    Let’s take the example of Sayyidatina Maryam (‘alayhissalam), also known as Mary. Before Sayyidatina Maryam was even born, her purpose had been set. Her ageing mother had vowed that if her prayer to have a child was accepted, she would ensure that her child would be dedicated to serving Allah. Fulfil her promise, she did. Sayyidatina Maryam wasn’t left to grow up on her own; she was placed under the care of Prophet Zakariya (‘alayhissalam), also known as Zechariah. She was raised in a room in a mosque. She was religious, chaste and modest. She did not mix freely with the opposite sex and confined herself within her prayer chamber. Whenever Prophet Zakariya entered Sayyidatina Maryam’s room to check if she was alright, he would be surprised to find that food had already been served. During winter, there were summer fruits. During summer, he saw winter fruits.

    “Where is the food from, Maryam?”

    “Allah provides to whom He wills.”

    Sayyidatina Maryam was so pure that she was picked to bear Prophet Isa (‘alayhissalaam), also known as Jesus, without being touched by any men. The angels reassured her that Allah had chosen her and purified her and selected her above the women of the worlds. Fearing the reaction of people around her, she fleed to deliver on her own in the middle of a scorching hot desert. Throughout her whole ordeal, she relied on no one other than Allah. She didn’t need anyone, not a husband or even her guardian, to be around.

    Imagine how the people around you would react if you suddenly turned up with a newborn, without being married? Sayyidatina Maryam was given the difficult task of keeping quiet when she returned to her village. Naturally, everyone started criticising and cursing her. If you were in her position, would have remained speechless through the injustice that was being done?

    Sayyidatina Maryam endured patiently and pointed to her baby. Then, Baby Isa stood up for his mother and informed the crowd that he was a Prophet. Subhanallah!

    Without getting married, Sayyidatina Maryam was able to reach the pinnacle of piety. Her status was so high that she has a chapter in the Quran named after her. She showed us that she did not need a man; Allah Himself could defend her honour through His miracle.

    How about me?

    The purpose of my existence is to know, love and worship Allah. Every action, every step, every thought needs to be focused on Allah. To solve my problem, I had to go to the very root of it – my ever-widening distance from Allah. Am I looking for love because I am ready or because I am lonely?  Am I praying on time? Am I conscious of Allah in everything that I do? Am I reading the Quran consistently? Do I perform taubah and istighfar constantly? What have I been doing to strengthen my relationship with Him? With each answer, it became more and more obvious that my Imaan was on the decline.

    Through the awful scrapes and burns and agonizing heartbreaks, I was moved to comprehend that, like Sayyidatina Maryam,  I had to turn to none except Allah. I came to realise that my relationship with Him is the most important relationship of all. Only Allah can grant me strength, courage, love, guidance, protection and patience. Only Allah is capable of making me whole. When I feel whole, I won’t rush to find a partner to complete me. When I feel whole, with Allah by my side, I would be able to bravely walk away from those who try to pry me away from Him. When I am whole, I would be better able to choose someone to share my completeness with and whom can accompany me on my path to Allah.

    I’m not saying that I am perfect and that my level of Imaan is anywhere near Sayyidatina Maryam’s. However, things have picked up for me, alhamdulillah. This year, I got married to a man, whom I trust, is able to guide me to be a better Muslim. A man who was brave enough to walk up to my parents and ask for my hand in marriage. A man who made me realize why it never worked out with anyone else. Only when I was brave enough to let go and be the best version of me did Allah grant me someone so gentlemanly that part of me still can’t believe that he exists.

    So don’t you worry, my fellow seeker. Allah knows when you’re hurt. Allah knows when you are bereaved. Allah knows when you struggle to get up because all you want to do is curl up in bed and hide from the world. Be sure, that when Allah takes away something from you, He’s only making space for something better. We just have to keep striving…

    “Be mindful of Allah, and you will find Him in front of you. Recognize and acknowledge Allah in times of ease and prosperity, and He will remember you in times of adversity. And know that what has passed you by [and you have failed to attain] was not going to befall you, and what has befallen you was not going to pass you by. And know that victory comes with patience, relief with affliction, and ease with hardship.”

    Wallahu a’lam.

     

    Source: http://aliaabdullah.com

  • Lee Hsien Loong On Population Growth Of Native Singaporeans

    Lee Hsien Loong On Population Growth Of Native Singaporeans

    Lee Hsien Loong was also asked about Singapore’s low birth rate, and he admitted the government’s pro-family incentives are “still not enough”. In comparison to his father, Lee said he is “much inferior to him in this matter — what he dares to say, I may not dare to say”.

    “We have encouragement, which is important, we also pay close attention to early childhood education and childcare services,” he said. “This is because many women want to continue working after childbirth, so who will take care of the children when that happens? … That is why we are opening more childcare centres, and are grooming more kindergarten teachers. But it is still not enough.”

    >He also spoke about Singapore’s casinos, and how his father previously opposed it, saying the elder Lee supported the policy later on because “the world changed, so we have to change too”.

    “But we think of ways to protect our people, to prevent them from spiralling down with gambling addiction,” he said, saying that in the four years since they opened, the number of Singaporeans who gamble is not increasing, and has stayed at about 20 per cent of the country’s casino visitors.

    Source: https://sg.news.yahoo.com