Dear single men looking to get married/men who are already married:
A wife’s purpose in marriage is not to wash your dirty socks, scrape off the bits of food on your dirty plate, and take care of your physical needs at the drop of a hat.
If you have able bodied parents who can, technically speaking, live on their own then do not expect your wife to spend every day doing their laundry, scraping food from their plates, serving them tea, and dusting the house while they watch tv, talk on the phone, and entertain guests (who she is also expected to serve and clean up after).
I am tired of receiving emails from wives who are treated like servants in their own marriages and family units. From both the husband and the in-laws.
Men – it’s your JOB to take care of the EMOTIONAL, PHYSICAL, and SPIRITUAL well being of your wife.
It’s not optional. It’s MANDATORY. If you aren’t ready to do that, then don’t get married. And if you are already married, it’s time to shape up how you treat your wife.
She can’t be healthy when she is trapped, day in and day out, cleaning up after you, your parents, and then your children.
I have no idea who came up with this idea that a woman’s place is to shut up, clean up, and put up – but it’s NOT from Islam.
The DIVISION of labor is a practical consequence of sharing a space with another human being. It’s not the purpose of their existence. Even so, in some families when things are divided up, it’s 90% on the wife!
And it pains me that women, as much as men, are to blame for keeping such oppressive ideas going.
Mother in laws who tell their sons not to take the opinion of their wife, blame her when she cooks differently then her, gets upset if she needs some time to herself or to go out with friends or skip out on another night of guests.
These mothers never encourage their sons to take their wife out alone, ignore her when the kids are around and take over the parenting role, and make plans for everyone without ever taking her into account.
Father in laws who expect to control his own wife AND his daughter in law turning his own son into a mouse who can’t speak or plan out his own life.
And the husbands…. the husbands whose manhood is underdeveloped and allow his parents to walk all over his wife and threaten him and shame him should he even attempt to stick up for her as an actual human being.
I get emails from women ALL THE TIME with the same story, same struggles, and same level of despair.
And I am even more tired of hearing people show up with the SAME questions and arguments… “It’s the duty of a wife to… ” and “is it true that it’s sadaqa if a wife cleans…. ” or “Can a man command his wife to…” or “If a man works then…”
Where is the love, the mercy, the passion, the attraction, the chemistry, the playfulness, the laughter, the friendship, the compassion?
People are so stuck on their egos and depending what they believe they *deserve* to get that they’ve missed the entire purpose of marriage itself.
If you want a maid, hire one. If you want a servant, hire one. If you want a cook, hire one.
But if you want a wife – honor her. Love her.
Learn how to make her laugh.
Learn how to light her up.
Make sure to support her spiritual growth.
Make sure she gets alone time.
Keep tabs on her mental well being.
Listen to her talk.
Plan time out together for fun.
Wash your own darn dishes.
Learn how to use an iron and let her watch a lecture.
Figure out how to soothe a crying baby and experience a magical bond better than anything in this world and let her take a shower, a walk, or just sleep!
Look into her eyes and see the soul Allah has entrusted you with.
Cook with her. Serve your parents with her.
Stand up for her.
Stop following a system which isn’t working. If it’s causing pain, change the system, instead of trying to change your wife. You’ll only destroy her spirit.
Move out and let her run her own household, have her own guests, walk around in her pjs as she pleases, and create a home environment she and your family can thrive in. (You can move 5 minutes away and still show up for your parents everyday)
Learn what pleases her in intimacy. It’s not just about you. It’s about her too. Make it about her. You’ll be rewarded even more when she is happy.
If you cannot do these things and more then know you are not doing the MINIMUM required to have a loving marriage.
If she doesn’t leave you, she will eventually resent you and your family life will fall apart down the road.
If you are single and this list never occurred to you at all – then don’t get married until you learn more about a healthy marriage model.
Marriage is a serious commitment. It is an act of worship and one that everyone is accountable for.
It’s time to see this narrative change. And it starts with you.
(Important note: I have said this for years. I know of no honorable and good loving woman who wouldn’t help taking care of *elderly* in-laws – people who really need help and care in any capacity. Caring for those in need isn’t the same as having your life controlled and dominated by “older” parents 24/7)
Source: Megan Wyatt
