10 F*****-Up Trends Of Modern Malay Weddings

I am sure, like for  f sure, some people cringe at my posts in facebook or even twitter. F it. I find it exciting at the rate of  transformation to the malay cultures  (I have no locus standi to say about other cultures non?) especially post Pinterest, Oncewed, Tumblr, Etsy (hereafter shall be refereed as POTE syndrome) . Major transformation can be seen in marriage customs i.e basic requirements to a proper wedding ala hipster. To make my life easier and your reading more enjoyable, let me put my observations in tabulated form, I shall call it 10 fucked-up trends in modern malay weddings.

  1. Pre-engagement and Post-engagement This consists of (1) selection of bridemaids and bestma(e)n which I don’t f understand till today, an engagement in malay culture is called bertandang/merisik, a very small ceremony between families, why do you need 7 twins sisters and brothers to sit next to you?  (2) pre-engagement, katanya to immortalize the moment, probably the state of masih virgin lah tu. Usually taken place in Palace of Justice, don’t forget the awkward handsignage “Hitched” “soon to fuck halal way” so sweet like nutella.  (3) ceremony – normal style (4)  post-engagement photoshoot [refer to point 2]
  2. Bachelorette party/Bridal shower – malay men for some good reason are not affected with POTE syndrome, its more to meleis ladies.  Apparently once must celebrate pre f-halal-way before a wedding, the rich kids would throw  it at  Flora Terrace, Sekeping or the tres chic once would have it in Harrods KLCC, superficially sipping dajeeling tea while savouring scones and biscuits (whilst calculating the bills that about to be divided amongst themselves) . Don’t forget make it a theme party, pay RM 500 (go dutch) and make it a party ala Chanel. Black & White, CC symbol printed on A3 papers as table mats, get free samples vials, products, condoms throw it in a chanel like paper bag, and  called it survival kit for brides. The climax of the party, Novelty Cake katanya, selections of black, Asian, arab, Caucasian penises erected as a centerpiece.  Snap a photo, Instagram it,  caption, Wild night for ladies! Sad she is getting married in 2 weeks time! tag : #(hername)gothitched #sistersforlife.
  3.  Bridemaids & bestmen – First of all, no malay wedding requires 14 oompaloompa sitting next to the brides or grooms at any time. Well even if you must do it, make it tasteful, to drop the idea.  (p/s at least if you want to oompaloompa-ed your bestfriends, please pay for the clothes, people have commitments too, not just to POTE weddings.
  4.  RSVP cards – This is the failure part, RSVP card or respondez-sil-vous-plait is actually a courtesy card to tell the bride/groom that I am attending your ceremony/reception, usually for small wedding, or reception that are booked  per head bases, well who wants to pay for people who don’t attend right? So you would have this card to reconfirm your attendance. Well it is ridiculous to have it in malay wedding that are held in Flat Pekeliling/Khemah depan rumah jiran tetangga kan? Or in simple language, buffet reception. When I get these kind of cards, I die a little inside, blame it on Pinterest.
  5. Candybar & Guestbook – It looks awesome, if you have a barn theme wedding, and you have a controled amount of crowd, if your wedding is as per point (4), congrats mate, you are just stupid, especially if your candies are selection of candies from Giant, the RM1.00 per packet ones. Pack it in doorgift bag. As to  the guestbook, I once attended a wedding where they had this table before the entrance door and all guests must right something, and imagine the Pak Cik and Mak Cik from Meru with WTF-look not knowing what to write in the book, ended up writting bismillah, and sign.
  6. Photobooth – This is the best. Apparently it’s a must, to make your wedding more modern and chic to have a photobooth. It look even more ridiculous when your reception is not in Dewan Felda, but small dewan, like Dewan Section  19 Shah Alam. No proper lighting, must be a atrocious view. Don’t forget the hand sign “I’m next” “Hitched” “Fucked” “I’m gay” “Virgin mary” “Kak Odah dara” .  A big signage at the entrance “sudi tag kami di #TukiminWedsEton” ridiculous.
  7. Post-wedding Photograph – Refer to Point (1). Ridiciculous. Thank god,  they don’t have post Halal-fuck photoshoot. I would die.
  8. Baby Shower – Babe, what you need is a proper doa selamat, call tok imam, have a prayer. Not a baby shower, eat chocolate cake from diapers, wrap the preggie with tissue rolls game. Things get even more ridiculous here.
  9. Baby 1st Photshoot – Chunk your baby in your best bag, (Cik Ta had her’s in her Birkin, probably at your level, Longchamp/ faux Chanel bag would be the options),  take photo, official photos please, edit it, post it on Instagram and suddenly you are a power couple, now you are known in abbreviation emblem like, TE for Tukimin Eton, and your baby gets one too, like baby WL, baby KK, baby B.
  10.  1st year anniversary – Throw a big party, and since you survive your 1st year, automatically you have to license to throw a show ala Oprah to give wedding advice, katanya when 1st I saw him in “usually hipster places, like Wedvrtsjfday”, I know our relation ship will last till Jannah #Tilljannah. begitu…

Jazakallah Sisters.

(Pardon me if there is typo errors or gramaticall errors, I just don’t give a F, its not like its a PHD Dissertation))

Please comment, nicely.


Source: http://rizalyaakub.blogspot.sg

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