This letter is dedicated to Miss Adee Sardali, the lady clad in tudung or hijab as seen in the Pinkdot video 2014.
Dear sister in Islam who has a beautiful name Adee Sardali.
I may not know you, but I do know we share the same religion, we are both from the same race, and we don the hijab.
The only difference now between you and me is that, I am a mother of a newborn baby. Just want to share my life story with you Adee, and the readers of Rilek1Corner.
Just like you, I was an avid supporter of PinkDot SG for two years, in 2010 and 2011. The reason why I was a supporter of PD was because I have been a closet gay since I was in secondary school but only came out and revealed myself to close friends when I joined the Singapore Police Force. I met my first girlfriend in the police force during training.
She was a beautiful and smart Malay girl with big eyes and fair skin. The first time I laid eyes on her, my heart skipped a beat. That was the start of my gay life. And it was a also the start of many heartbreaks and sleepless nights. Partying and getting drunk is a norm. Life without alcohol and sex is meaningless. Sex was amazing, and I learned to do things that I never thought I could. In short, my life was happening and I enjoy being a lesbian. And I have never regretted being one, up to this day.
I met more likeminded people in lesbian pubs and back then it was a popular place located at Far East Plaza. I changed partner easily because as long as you are attractive and charming, life as a lesbian can be very exciting and and lively. Quarrels on the other hand can get violent. Bruises from punches and kicking was a norm for me.
I love my parents and they have no idea that I was gay. But my mom seemed to have growing suspicion that I was gay because I only bring home girlfriends and they usually sleep overnight in my room, door shut and locked.
Soon my mom began to drop hints that I should settle down after several years in the police force. She said she is growing old and she wants to see her grandchildren before she pass away.
I felt pressured. I felt I had to succumb to societal conventions. Mentally and emotionally there is a tussle between who I really am and the person that my mom and society wants me to be. I hate being myself and there were thoughts about ending my life because I don’t want to continue this life and living a lie.
Soon someone in the same station introduced me to a guy who is also in the home team. He seemed very interested in me because he said I was not as girlish as those he knew. He doesn’t know that I am gay and we continue to be friends. After 2 years of knowing each other, I decided to bring him home to shut my mom up from nagging about marriage everyday. My mom was very happy and started asking him questions about settling down. I was so angry and disappointed in my parents.
Soon he brought his parents over and the engagement and marriage dates were finalised. In less than a year I was engaged to him. My girlfriend was there as my chaperone. She said I was selfish and heartless for doing this to her. She braved herself to come down and help me with all the engagement preparations. She told me I can change my mind and we can quit the force and leave the country. I chickened out. I was not ready to disappoint my parents and break their hearts. But I broke the heart of the lady I love the most at that point. I was a mess.
A year lady, I got married to the home team guy. My girlfriend refused to be attend my wedding. She tried to MIA from my life. I was broken. I wasn’t ready to lose her.
After marriage I continued my life as a lesbian. I was defiant, hated having sex with my husband. I felt it was a chore but i had to do it because i do not want him to find out about my lesbian life. He worked shifts, and so do I. I was a terrible wife, I couldn’t be bothered about him. I never pick up his phone calls unless necessary. I was a bad wife and mean.
But I couldn’t care less. My priority was to reinstate my relationship with my girlfriend. I wanted her to know that nothing has changed since I got married and I am still the same person. Marriage doesn’t change me at all. We got back together but things can never be the same again. She cheated on me again and again because her reason was I cheated on her and got married. I forgave her many times but soon realised I got tired of forgiving someone who cheats on me.
Soon my husband, seldom came home. He went out with his friends regularly since he was bored that I was home late all the time. He started partying. One day I caught him partying at St James. I told him we should get a divorce and accused him of having sex with prostitutes. He got a shocked. I went ahead and filed for divorce at Syariah court. My parents was so sad. My dad fell ill. My mom was distraught. My husband’s family was disappointed in both of us. They encouraged us to fix things, but I remained adamant to get a divorce and get my life back as a lesbian. I wanted to be single and be who I really am. Gay in every sense of the word.
I got drunk everyday. My husband tried to make amends. He changed and put up with alot of my crap. I threw all his favourite things, scratched his brand new car, sold his expensive clothes to karang guni. I even put dead rats in his working boots. I was a bitch. I made his life miserable because he made my life miserable as a his wife.
One day, I met my good friend and confidante who is a straight guy. He heard about what happened to my marriage. He also knew about my life as a lesbian. He told me that I was lucky that my husband doesn’t find out that I am a lesbian. He told me that I have never been a filial wife let alone give him any care and concern. I never respect myself because I cheated not only my husband, but also my lesbian girlfriend and my parents. In truth he told me to give my marriage another shot and clean up my act. Give a chance for my lesbian girlfriend to move on with her life and stop making her pin hopes for nothing.Happiness starts with me and only I can make a difference in my life and the lives of others who loves me.
Fast-forward, I changed. I really did. Don’t know why i changed but I changed for the better. I stopped all contacts with all my lesbian friends. I went cold turkey. I learned to like my husband. Gradually love blossoms and now I can safely say that i am much happier than I was before. My objective and goals are clearer. I am no longer confused and messed up. In April this year, I gave birth to our first child. A daughter has bring joy and meaning to my life. Nothing else matters except her.
If you ask me if I regret being a lesbian, My answer again is no. It is part and parcel of life and discovering myself. Till today, my husband has no idea about my life as a lesbian. And I can never imagine what happens if he finds out about it. Let that be my secret. Good and bad memories, I take it as life lesson. It made me stronger and it made me understand about myself better. I even started wearing tudung when i got back with my husband.
Now, I fully understand my mom whenever she says “one you will only understand how I feel about you my dear daughter, when you give birth to your own flesh and blood”.
And now, I share this advice with you sis Adee Sardali. One day…one day, you will know.
Allah has a reason for making things haram. When something is haram it’s for our own good. If all men married men and all women married women how would the human race continue? Perhaps, you have not been a parent and you don’t know how it feels like to raise a child. The day you give birth to your child, your own flesh and blood, you will understand how your parents feel about it. As parents we have high hopes for our children. Good or bad, we take it all in. Our hope as parents is to see our children grow up as responsible individuals and live long enough to see our grand children grow and continue the generation. Maybe, you will get that one day. And I am sure, at the point you see your newborn child, you will understand what i mean right now. At this time, and given your age, you will not understand. Not yet. God created women for a reason, he created women as a companion for men, for each other. So if men were meant to have sex with other men, God wouldn’t have created women.
Sis Adee Sardali, I wish you well and hope you will ponder on what I have been meaning to tell you. If you wish to contact me, please contact the editors of Rilek1Corner as I have given them permission to release my email address to you only. And you only.
We have received many emails asking if Sis Adee Sardali is gay or a lesbian. Rilek1Corner are in no position to comment Sis Adee’s sexual orientation. However, Sis Nat reiterated that this letter is dedicated to Sis Adee because of her open support for PinkDotSG and not because of her sexual orientation. Sis Nat merely shares her life story so that Sis Adee and readers of Rilek1Corner can learn thing or two about life as a Muslim gay or lesbian in Singapore.
Thanks Sis Nat for sharing your interesting life story. To Adee Sardali, please email us at [[email protected]] if you wish to contact Sis Nat.