Hi everyone, thank you for taking time to reading my article, and your comments and advice is most appreciated!
I am in a dilemma. I’m turning 20 this year, currently serving in the army as a full-time NSF and struggling with same-sex attraction.
Life thus far has never been smooth. I lost my biological father when I was just 5 years old, since then I’ve been living with my mother and 2 elder sisters.
I began realising my orientation towards men when I was in primary school – I would sit in the assembly hall in the morning looking at the guy in the opposite class and hoping to make friends with him. Since I was pretty young then, I didn’t realise any issues with me, in fact I didn’t even see this as something that’s “abnormal”. But a few years later, I begin to understand that it is all wrong: growing up in a traditional church, I know Christians hate the sin but we love the sinner. So.. I thought to myself: “It’s okay I’m still so young! I can always work on this later in life and I’m sure these things will change over time and I’ll like girls eventually!”
I remember falling for a classmate of mine when I was in primary 4. She was the first, and I believe, would be the last girl I’d fall for. I thought about her quite regularly and even sent letters and bought her gifts. I even remembered feeling jealous just because another classmate of mine was seemingly wooing her. But again… as much as I’d like all that feeling and experience to relive, it seems impossible… and that will all be history…
Now, almost 10 years later, I’m still struggling with this issue. I’m from a relatively pious family, we’re all regular church goers and I spend most of my time serving in church and participating in ministry works. I know it’s wrong, and I want to change, I want to work on this same-sex attraction issue and eventually be oriented towards women…
You’d probably ask: “I bet you had sexual relationships with man then!”
And I regret it very much. When I was in secondary school, I met a senior of mine on Facebook and that was when we started a budding relationship. I gave all of my first times to him. Almost everything you can imagine – we’ve done it. The relationship we shared was not based on love, but on the “sexual” component. It was definitely what the society would tag as a “puppy relationship”.
(P.S: to youths out there who are in a relationship, trust me, I know you and your partner, at some point in time, have already engaged in some of the many intimate sexual acts, but may I kindly urge you to stop immediately. Really, just STOP although it may all seem “fun” and “trendy” now. Don’t let your raging hormones and immature minds cause you regret in the future. It’s NOT worth the temporary “fun”.)
After all, our sexual relationship lasted not more then a year and we unofficially broke out. This experience has caused me to cut myself, hit my head against the wall, suffered from mild depression… etc. but I thank God for a counsellor who courageously condemned my actions and asking me to stop.
And since that relationship, I never had any. But once in a while I’d still go to online dating sites to “get a feel” of how it is like to get loved – although I know I shouldn’t.
Being in a single-parent family, my mother had to put me in an after-school care centre (primary), and I remembered once during naptime where a senior of mine started touching my genitals. Though this scene is still rather vague in my mind, but I believe it was then when I begin learning how to masturbate. I detest that person, very very much, though I have no idea who he is or where he is now.
Whatever it is, I’m in a dilemma right now. As much as I believe Christianity is the true religion and God has His plans for me, I really don’t know how to continue my life. I think my experience has, in one way or another, distorted a healthy development a child should enjoy. I’m feeling a lot more insecure in front of men, and I tend to have low self-esteem. I fear rejection and everytime I speak to a stranger or a new guy friend, I’d unconsciously analyse every single word he speaks, every single move – and derive my own conclusion (which many a time, is negative and pessimistic). As much as I hate to acknowledge this, but I think most of men out there are jerks, including myself.